Deals, Diets, and Disasters
by jerseygirlinoxford
Summary: To get out of an early morning run, Stephanie unwittingly makes a deal with Ranger that she soon regrets.


**A/N: I know it's been a long time since I have posted. And I've appreciated all the PMs asking me about when _Not Without You_ will be posted. I still don't have a time frame yet, but I will finish that story and am not abandoning my series. I needed a little break as I got burned out from all the writing. Then all that real life adult stuff gets in the way of having fun. In the meantime, I am posting a story that was only on the yahoo groups. This is something that was written with Marilyn (one half of Rangerhunters-if you haven't read their stories…please rush right over to read them!) I also have a few other stories rolling around in my head for the Plum world that I will get to as well. Hopefully, this will take the edge off the wait, and you will have as much fun reading this story as we did writing it!**

**DEALS, DIETS, AND DISASTERS**

**I felt the mattress dip and knew instantly who had climbed in my bed. My early morning hormones screamed '_yes_' while my stubborn internal clock yelled _'oh hell no'_! Their argument told me it was too damn early to listen to either one of them.**

**"Morning, Babe." I caught the scent of Bulgari when he placed a kiss on the back of my neck. Okay, maybe it wasn't too early to listen to my hormones.**

**"What time is it?" I mumbled.**

**"Time to get up and run," he answered with a soft laugh.**

'**Oh hell no!' my mind screamed. "Not today," I heard my mouth slur.**

**The vibration I felt from his chest told me he was laughing at me. "If you don't run, then you have to give up Pino's for a week."**

**My eyes flicked open, and I waited to see which part of me was going to answer his challenge. Which would be worse? I hated running, but giving up Pino's for an entire week was unthinkable!**

**"Deal, now leave." I cringed when I heard the words. Damn it!**

**I felt the whole bed shake with his laughter. "If I catch one whiff of Pino's on your breath over the next seven days... you are going to have to run twice the distance." **

**I groaned and felt the mattress lift when he stood. "Lock the door on your way out," I said and pulled the covers over my head. What the hell had I just agreed to?**

**I snaked my right hand out from the warmth of the covers and raised a middle finger. I didn't have to see his face to know that the corners of his mouth twitched. Arrogant bastard! Well... **_**sexy**_** arrogant bastard! I'll show him! I'll have my Pino's, **_**and**_** I won't have to run. Yes, he may be Ranger, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I'm not as predictable as people think I am!**

**"Is that a challenge, Babe?" Shit! I said that out loud again.**

**"Uh... no? I... I'm… uh... talking in my sleep! Yeah, that's it. You can leave now. Bye."**

**"Remember, Babe, I'll be watching." Oh... I'm sure you will. I shot him another middle finger as his soft foots steps faded and the front door clicked shut. **

**"Run my ass!" I muttered and fell back to sleep.**

**It was almost noon when I opened my eyes again. I stretched and yawned before sitting up. I loved sleeping late. The faint hint of Bulgari remained in the room, causing it all to come back to me. Didn't Ranger stop by at the butt crack of dawn to get me to go running? Must have been a dream because I know I didn't run this morning. And not a good dream either, because it didn't end with a Ranger induced orgasm. Oh well, time to take a shower, get dressed, and get something to eat. A meatball sub sounded pretty good about now.**

**Pino's was moderately crowded. It was lunchtime after all. I immediately knew that something was off by the way everyone was looking at me. It wasn't the same point-and-laugh looks that I usually got. The room got quiet when I walked up to the counter to order. Okay, this was really weird. It was like a Twilight Zone episode. I half expected ****Rod Serling**** to come walking out of the kitchen. Even the girl behind the counter was looking at me like she had seen a ghost. "Uh... I'd like to order a meatball sub... **_**to go**_**." The girl opened and closed her mouth like a fish. "Okay... what's going on here? I..." I trailed off when I saw it. There was a poster behind the cash register... of me! Shit! It wasn't a dream! I did make a deal to get out of running this morning. "That bastard!"**

**The poster read: ****_If anyone sees this woman - _**_**Stephanie Plum**_**_ - ordering, eating, or in the possession of Pino's food, please contact R. Manoso. Cash reward will be given._**** The main number for Rangeman was listed. God Damn it! I fumed at the picture he'd posted! Holy crap! Not only was he going to pay for waking me up and expecting me to run, but he was going to pay for manipulating me into agreeing to another stupid deal! And for putting up that horrible picture! That would require its own retribution! **

**Again, I could feel the eyes of everyone in the place on me, especially that weird looking guy at the end of the counter. So, I was going to do what any respectable Jersey girl would do to hold onto every little shred of dignity and walk out of there with my head high. Yep, that's what I was going to do. I turned and ran out of there, screaming profanities and unthinkable ills that were going to fall upon Ranger.**

**I aimed my key fob at the '89 Jeep Cherokee, my ride du jour, and dove head first behind the steering wheel and slammed the door closed as soon as my legs were inside. **

"**Son of a bitch!" I screamed and beat my fist on the steering wheel. The whole car was bouncing with my anger. I caught a deep gulp of air and tried to relax. I had to think. I had to come up with the perfect '_shove it up your ass_' plan to get this man to back off. Who the hell did he think he was? Okay, we all knew who he was – he was the Cuban Sex God, and I would crawl over 200 miles of broken glass to spend another night with him. Right after I got brave enough to say yes to one of the innumerous double entendres that constantly slipped out of his mouth and into our conversations. The thought of Ranger's mouth quieted my hunger pangs, but just for a moment.**

"**You bastard, you are going down!" I yelled, meaning every word of my threat.**

**A rap on the driver's window brought my attention to the left. Great, just freaking great! Big Dog and Eddie stood on the other side, smiling. Big Dog was pointing one of his meaty fingers at me, holding up a copy of my 'wanted' posters while Eddie took an exaggerated bite out of a double meatball sub. My stomach let out a monstrous rumble, and my mouth started to water when a small trail of sauce dripped down his chin. **

**I felt my eyelids lower and my vision narrowed down to slits. I turned the key in the ignition and gunned the engine. The expression on both of their faces transformed into fear, and they jumped away from my car. I smirked and burned some rubber when I shot out of Pino's parking lot. Sometimes it pays to have an exploding reputation!**

**I ignored every driving law the founding fathers of New Jersey had ever written while I sped through the entwining streets of the 'burg. A Jersey girl always has a backup plan and right now, mine was Cluck in a Bucket. Ha! Take that, you muscle bound gorgeous hunk of man! **

**I whipped the Jeep around the corner, bounced all four wheels into the drive-thru lane, and pulled up to the blessed squawk box. The car came to a rocking stop when I slammed on the brakes and read the hand written sign taped over the intercom. 'Closed due to a better offer.'**

"**You fucker!" I shouted and pressed the pedal to the floor and headed for my next option, Mickey Dee's. There was no way he could manipulate a national franchise into closing!**

**My stomach growled every inch of the way as I raced toward my next victory. An extra large fries and a Big Mac were sounding really good about now.**

**I swung into the parking lot of the closest McDonald's and ignored the blue and white handicapped only parking sign. I dared anyone to say I didn't qualify as being handicapped at the moment. I was crazed with hunger!**

**When I yanked on the door, my arm almost popped out of its socket. What the hell? I pulled on the door handle again. Shit, the door was locked! I smashed my face against the glass and stared at the emptiness inside. "Oh no, you didn't!" I started to beat on the door. "Let me in! I'm hungry!" I bellowed and started kicking the door with the stiff toe of my Bates boot.**

"**I hate you!" I screamed to the heavens and ran back to my car. **

**My chest heaved while I sat there and tried to think. Okay, he'd gotten to Pino's, Cluck and McD's. I checked my watch. Okay, it was 1:30. Tasty Pasty was still open for another 30 minutes. I could do donuts anytime of the day. **

**I threw the Jeep in reverse and wasted no time in covering the distance between here and there. I drove on autopilot. I was so hungry, I couldn't think straight. I felt a smile form on my face while the mental flavors of chocolate icing, fried dough and the soft, silky sugary filling of a Boston Crème blending in my mouth drifted through my mind.**

**Three ignored red lights later; I pulled up to the front door of the bakery on two wheels and hung onto the steering wheel as the other two wheels hit the pavement. I saw that there wasn't another car in sight. Shit. Please, oh please… I opened the car door, and my heart sank. There was a piece of paper hanging on the inside of the door. My steps slowed when I got close enough to read. 'Closed for vacation… sorry, Steph.'**

"**Fuck!" Only in New Jersey could someone be bribed to close a bakery early and call it vacation! I reversed my steps and climbed back inside my car. I sat there thinking and listening to the deep rumbles of my empty stomach. "Lula!" **

**If there was one person I could count on in my time of hunger, it was Lula. She hadn't grown into a full-sized woman by ignoring her cravings! Okay, so maybe she contained the results of her cravings by wearing extra strong spandex, but she was always up for a pizza – especially if I was paying!**

**I swung the car around and drove the down the block to the office. I didn't even have the car in park before I smelled the tantalizing smell of a Pino's pizza. I couldn't believe it! There standing in the window were Lula and Connie, each munching on a slice of double cheese, pepperoni, onion, green pepper and mushroom pizza! Traitors!**

**I flipped them the finger and pulled away from the curb. There was one place I knew food was a guarantee. My parents! **

**Even though I wouldn't admit it to myself, I probably should have just gotten my lazy ass out of bed and gone running with Ranger. After all, the few times I had gone running with him, I never managed to keep up with him, but the view…. Well, let's just say the view was _always_ worth it! But Stupid Stephanie… that mean and stubborn Italian/Hungarian streak in me… was in control now. Ranger had crossed the line this time. Big Time! He'd made it personal. If I gave in now, okay, so a Ranger-induced orgasm _would_ be involved, I would have never heard the end of it… from everybody! Okay, I needed to regroup. Once I got some calories in me, I could plan and seek my revenge. Never mess with a Jersey girl and her food.**

**Sanctuary was now in sight… my parents' house! My mother always had food. Never let it be said that Helen Plum's kitchen be found empty. The rumbling in my stomach was deafening as I ran… oops, not giving that prick the satisfaction…I slowed to a fast walk to the front door. As the door opened and I saw the look on my mother's face, I knew. I knew from the pit of my hunger-ravaged stomach, I knew. Ranger had already been there.**

"**What is going on, Stephanie? Why didn't you tell me that you are a diabetic?" my mother asked with her hands on her hips.**

"**That bastard!" I was beyond mad. I was getting ready to go into full rhino-mode. That was a low blow unleashing my mother on me.**

"**I knew this would happen," my mother continued. "You don't take care of yourself. Between that job and the way you live was enough to make me tipple already. But now I have to worry about your health, too?" **

"**I am NOT a diabetic, Mom! Is that what Ranger told you? Wait till I get my hands on him!" **

"**That makes two of us," Grandma Mazur piped in. "I'd love to get my hands on that hot Cuban sex God."**

"**Mother! This is no time to joke. Stephanie is ill. She has diabetes. I'm sure it comes from the Plum side of the family," Helen exclaimed. I dropped my head into my hands and began to massage my temples. Think! I needed food, and this was not helping any. I took a deep breath and slowly blew it out.**

"**Mom… sit down." I held the kitchen chair for her, and she hastily took it. "I don't know what Ranger told you, but I am _not_ sick. He…" I trailed off as an idea came to me. Damn! I was brilliant. Diabetics still needed to eat. "On second thought…my blood sugar is running a little low." I put the back of my hand to my forehead for added effect. "I _need_ food. I need to eat something _now_. It's very important for diabetics to eat or… or… we could _die_!" My mother jumped to her feet and guided me to the chair she'd just vacated.**

"**Oh my goodness!" she cried out. "Let me get you something!" She ran to the refrigerator, pulled open both side-by-side doors, and peered inside. I leaned over so I could get a better look at what she had. "I don't know what you can have. What do diabetics eat?"**

"**Well…" I stammered. Yeah, what _did_ diabetics eat? "I think it doesn't matter when your blood sugar is low. I think I'm supposed to _have_ sugar to get it back to normal. So… how about that lasagna and a piece of that chocolate cake?" Grandma Mazur smiled and winked at me.**

"**Yeah, I heard that the cheese in lasagna is good for diabetics. It has protein," Grandma Mazur told my mother, and she secretly squeezed my hand. God, I love this woman! I grabbed the cake from my mother's hands and watched while she bustled around the kitchen, heating up my lunch. **

"**I think maybe I should eat this first," I explained and held up the cake. "I need to start getting sugar into my system. Do you have any garlic bread left?"**

**I felt delightfully stuffed after I gorged myself on two brick-sized pieces of lasagna, a national deficit-sized wedge of chocolate cake, and a garlic infested submarine-sized roll. Yes, that was much better. I felt calmer, more at ease… that meant I would be able to plot revenge better. I looked up at my mother's expectant stare.**

"**Well? How do you feel? Is your blood sugar better?" I stood up and hugged her.**

"**Thanks, Mom. I feel back to normal. That did the trick. Uh… I think it might be a good idea to always have something ready for me. You know… just in case. That blood sugar thing comes on me real fast. I might have to swing by here for... um… _diabetic_ emergencies." I hated lying. Especially to my mother. Good Catholic girls don't do that. Or else they go to Hell. Even though going to Hell was bad, I just wasn't very good at lying either. But wasn't having my picture (and a horrible one at that) hanging in Pino's like I was some convicted animal molester just as bad as being in Hell? Absolutely! So lying in this case wasn't really a sin. And wasn't _starving_ someone a sin? Ranger was the one committing a mortal sin…not me! See… an intelligent and well fed woman can rationalize anything. **

**Happy that I was able to work that out in my mind, I smiled. It was bad enough to get screwed over, but feeling guilty about it was even worse. Now that I had fed the beast… I shot two middle fingers up in the air, cursing Ranger and his temple… I was ready to get even.**

**I ran upstairs to the bathroom, loaded a glob of toothpaste on my finger, and swished it over my teeth. My mom was a great cook, but she wasn't Pino's. Still, I didn't want the hint of oregano and garlic on my breath to confuse _anyone_ should I run into _him_ before my plan was in motion.**

**The pounding of my boots against the threadbare carpet on the stairs caused my mother to cringe and Grandma to look up at me with a smile. "You in a hurry to get somewhere?"**

"**I'm thinking I need some mall time, want to come along?" I raised my eyebrows and gave her an open smile. **

"**You bet your ass I would!" Grandma shuffled across the living room and grabbed her purse. "Let's haul ass, girlie!"**

"**Mother!" I couldn't help but giggle at my mother's exasperation.**

"**Don't worry mom, I'll have her back in time for dinner." I swung my black coach bag over my shoulder and gave her a quick wave over my shoulder. There was only one place a Jersey girl could find ammunition strong enough to fight as dirty as this little matter had become – the mall. I was scheduled to help Ranger out with a distraction job tonight, and he'd suggested that my outfit be about an 8 on the slut-o-meter. I was thinking I'd push that up a notch or two and go all out. Yep, skimpy and sexy would work to distract the FTA _and_ Ranger. **

**Let the fun begin!**

**Three hours later, I pulled the Jeep back into my parents' driveway. "Thanks for you help, Grandma, couldn't have done it without you!"**

"**Sure was a hoot! And don't forget, you promised I could have that skirt when you're done with it tonight." Grandma said as she climbed her way out of the Jeep. "I think that's just what I'll need to catch me a hottie at the next senior's dance at the VFW!"**

**Only if mom goes blind before that, I thought as I watched her climb the stairs to the front door. **

**I pulled away from the curb and headed for home. So what if I had to pretend to be diabetic for a week. Wouldn't be the first time I'd mooched meals off my parents. **

**I whipped the car into my parking space next to the dumpster and took a look around: no black cars, no hulky guys dressed in black. I hopped out of the Jeep, grabbed the spoils of my shopping venture, and heading inside my apartment building. **

**When the elevator creaked to a stop on the second floor, I was smiling with satisfaction. By the time I got to my door, my smile had morphed into a smirk when I remembered the pint of chocolate ice cream waiting for me in the freezer. Ha! Take that, Batman! **

**I juggled the packages around in my arms so I could work the key into the lock, and that's when I smelled it… Pino's. I'm not sure if it was fear or the wonderful aroma oozing out of my apartment, but my eyes glazed over, and I stood frozen in my spot. The more I inhaled, the more paralyzed I became. Finally, my arms started to go numb, and I had to force my fingers to turn the key. I held my breath when the door opened, afraid that the full aromatic blast of tomato sauce and cheese would be too much, and I'd pass out. I hurried inside, slammed the door shut with a quick bump from my hip, and then dumped my packages on the couch. I can only attribute my next mistake to the fact that I was starting to feel lightheaded from holding my breath – I walked into the kitchen. **

**Three large pizzas were stretched out on the counter top, each resting in a box marked with Pino's logo. The tops were open so all the glorious smells could perfume the air. On the other counter, two meatball subs were displayed in a similar fashion. My hands started to shake, and I could feel the drool on my chin.**

"**No! Don't do it!" I screamed when my hand started to reach for a slice of pizza. "I will not give him the satisfaction!" I vowed and spun around and opened up the freezer. "What the hell?" I stared in disbelief at the emptiness in front of me. I slammed the freezer door shut and yanked open the refrigerator door. "Oh no, you didn't!" My temper climbed to full red alert. The usual contents of my refrigerator: olives, bags of leftovers, a birthday cake nestled inside a bakery box, and a carton of spoiled milk had been replaced with more Pino boxes and fresh vegetables. **

**That bastard! I knew what he was doing. He wanted me to regret not running this morning. And God Damn it all to Hell… it was working! But Stupid Stephanie was winning out… _again_. I grabbed my bags and ran into my bedroom. I had to get away from all that temptation. Thank God, I got an Italian food fix from my mom. The lasagna was good. It was so good, in fact, that I didn't even _want_ that… uh… _shit_ in my kitchen. Sighing, I flopped on to my bed. Who was I kidding? I wanted that food almost as bad as I wanted a Ranger induced orgasm about now. Stop thinking about it, I scolded myself. **

**It was hard _not_ to think about it. Especially while sitting at the scene of the crime. My bed. This was where this whole mess started. I should have pulled him under the covers with me and gotten a different workout. Then, lucky for me, that wonderful negative Jersey attitude kicked in. But why was Ranger doing this? I knew he wanted me to run and eat healthier, but he was going a little overboard this time. First, he talked me into a deal while I was still sleeping. Well okay, I was sort of awake and did agree to it, but that shouldn't count because I didn't even have my coffee yet. Wasn't that like… illegal or something? Then, he put up that ugly-ass picture of me at Pino's, and had my mom convinced that I was a diabetic. Now, he was being just plain mean by bringing the enemy into my domain. To tell the truth, I was a little surprised. Ranger could be tough on me and push me, but he had never been outright mean before.**

**I forced myself to get off the crime scene and hang up my new dress. As I examined what little fabric there was to my uniform from Whores R Us, the smell from the kitchen became overwhelming. I felt myself being pulled to the kitchen by unseen forces. _Resistance is futile_, a voice in my head told me. I stared the enemy down. I can't do this. I won't let him win. But, it would taste so good. Then all of a sudden…I lost control. I tore open the meatball sub and brought it up to my mouth. Just as I was about to sink my teeth into the food of the gods, I finally came to my senses. I tossed it back on to its foil wrapper and stepped back. "What am I doing?" Even Rex stared at me like I was crazy. He was right…I _was _crazy.**

**Then that magic light bulb went off over my head. Just because I couldn't _eat_ this food didn't mean that I couldn't _taste_ this food! Yeah… I could sample the goods, and no one would ever know. Take that again, Batman! I bent over and licked one of the pizzas. I think I scared Rex with the low moan that escaped from deep within me. He dove into his soup can. I couldn't help it. Pino's made the best pizza. I went in for another pass. Oh yes! Before I knew what I was doing, I was licking the second pizza…. as there was no grease left on the first. I picked up a corner - if there was such a thing on a round object - and licked the sauce underneath its cheesy blanket. Ooooh! Heaven! Oops…a small piece of cheese ripped. Guess I'll have to eat that too. Lucky for me, the cheese was still pliable so I was able to stretch it to fill in that little hole.**

**After removing the grease from the third pizza with my tongue, my eyes fell upon the ultimate prize… the two meatball subs lying side by side. Hmmm… I was sure I could lick some of those meatballs and get away with that, too. I spread the roll and carefully removed a meatball. There was plenty of sauce to cover them back up. Yes… I said _them_ because I planned to lick each and every ball. "Oh!" I moaned again. This was soooo good. Oops…I took a little bite. I quickly dipped a finger in the sauce and rubbed it all over the meatball. When I was satisfied that I achieved maximum coverage, I put the newly flat side to the bottom of the roll and picked up the next ball. At least Ranger got the giant size subs… those were loaded with meatballs. Despite being caught up in the throes of a total food orgy, I was able to maintain enough control to stop when I saw that the sauce was running low. I needed to make sure that there was enough sauce to recover all the balls…well maybe balls wasn't the right word anymore. They sort of looked like the Magic 8 ball with their flat bottoms now. I carefully redressed the meatballs with the layer of cheese before leaning back against the opposite counter. Now, I was completely satisfied. I looked over my handiwork. Not bad. Some of the ends of the pizza cheese looked a tad raggedy, but overall, no one could tell that it had been… um… sampled. The meatball subs looked pristine. I caught the clock out of the corner of my eye. Yikes! I had better get moving. Ranger would be here soon.**

**After taking the fastest shower ever recorded by humans, I hurried to put myself together and get into slut mode. The dress was backless, so I couldn't have worn a bra even if I wanted to. The skirt, if one could call it that, was just about an inch or two above being almost decent. I slid my feet into my 4 inch FMPs to complete the look. I was still reeling from my food orgy and didn't realize that Ranger had settled himself on my bed. "Damn, Babe." I grabbed my chest and gasped.**

"**Christ, Ranger. Please make some noise or something. You're going to give me a real heart attack one of these days." He smirked. Damn…he looked so good. He always looked good…especially on my bed. I had this sudden urge to lick _him_ like he was a meatball sub!**

"**Not if you start running with me every morning." Okay… that brought my anger back. I recalled from the most recent Star Trek movie marathon I'd watched with Mooner an old Klingon proverb. _Revenge was a dish that is best served cold_. Klingons really had a way with words. I could tell that Ranger was totally turned on by my outfit. Not only by the feral look in his eyes, but also by the huge bulge in his black jeans. I felt his eyes burn through me like lasers while they trailed up and down my body. I did a slow turn and sensually ran my hands over my hips and lower abdomen. Even though I was still mad at him, he had this power over me that I couldn't resist. As I turned to face him, he was on his feet and pulled me close. His lips crashed down on mine. His tongue demanded entry… and I didn't fight it. Hey, I might have been angry, but I wasn't stupid. This man knew how to kiss! After what seemed like forever, he broke the kiss and gave me a sly look. **

"**What?" I demanded.**

"**You taste like meatballs, Babe. We had a deal. I win." I pushed him back. I don't think he expected it because he did wobble a bit.**

"**I had lasagna for lunch today… at my _parents'_ house. I didn't _eat_ any Pino's today. And what was that bullshit with the poster? And… telling my mother that I was a diabetic? And leaving all that Pino's in my kitchen? I didn't go near those meatball subs that you left. And, I'm not going near your _meatballs_ or your _sub _either!" I told him as I pointed to his crotch. Okay… that was weird. Ranger actually looked confused.**

"**I _did_ put the poster up at Pino's. It was for your own good. But I didn't tell your mother that you were a diabetic, Babe. I just told her that I was worried that you weren't eating healthy enough. And that could lead to obesity, high cholesterol, and maybe diabetes." He looked towards the kitchen. "And I _didn't_ leave you any food, Babe. Do you really think that I would be that mean to you?" Okay, now it was my turn to be confused. If Ranger didn't leave the Pino's feast… then who did? I was pulled out of my thoughts by the ringing of Ranger's phone.**

"**Yo!" As he listened, a slow smile came over his face. He disconnected after barking a short order. "Change of plans. The skip is at Pino's." I dropped my head into my hands. Why me? Generally, the distractions have been out of town. Where no one _knew_ me. Now, in my Whores R Us uniform, I was going to be seen by everyone that I knew. Before the clock could strike midnight, the Burg grapevine would be working in overdrive. I knew they couldn't wait to tell Helen Plum all about her diabetic slut daughter picking up a strange man at Pino's. And here I thought this day could get any worse!**

**Ranger headed towards the kitchen to check out the food that had been left. "Are you positive that you didn't eat any of this?" he asked me, his voice suspicious. I adamantly shook my head.**

"**No, I didn't eat _any_ of it," I insisted. Licking didn't count. And, I didn't eat the cheese and part of the meatballs… technically. Those pieces broke off, and I swallowed them. Since I didn't _chew_ them, it didn't count as eating.**

"**Good thing. Since we don't know who left this, it could be laced with some kind of drug or poison." Huh? Drugs? Poison? Shit! I was going to die. And since I was going to die, I should have just eaten the damn things. I swallowed hard.**

"**W-what makes you think that?" Ranger continued to examine the feast.**

"**It doesn't _look_ right. Looks tampered with." I blew out a sigh of relief. Figures he would notice. Nothing gets by Batman.**

"**Since I didn't have any, there's nothing to worry about. Um… are you sure the skip is at Pino's?" I was _so_ going to Hell. First, I lied to my mother. Now, I lied to Ranger. At least I was dressed for Hell. I hated to show up anywhere underdressed.**

"**I'll have Hal come over here and test it while we're out." Ranger said and made the call.**

**Fine, if this was the way my life was going to end, I might as well go out with a bang. I turned and headed back into the bedroom, opened the closet door and began sorting through the mangled mess of shoes and dirty jeans that were on the floor. With my head deep in the closet and my ass up in the air, I didn't see Ranger's attack coming from behind. I screamed when I felt his warm hand caress one half of my backside. **

"**Nice view, Babe." **

**I crawled out backwards and quickly sat down on what he was viewing and glared up at him.**

"**Look, if I have to play the role of a 'ho in my own backyard, I'd rather play it with a little more covering my ass." He reached down and pulled me to my feet, and suddenly we were standing nose to nose. The only thing separating us was the pair of jeans I held clutched tight in my hands. The heat building up between us evaporated the worries I had about tonight's job. Damn, all I could think about now was how much I wanted to push him down on the bed and have my way with him. Must have licked too much sauce off the balls… I mean meatballs.**

"**Babe, tonight's job should be easy, you won't have to play it up too much." I bit my lower lip, hoping to keep my tongue in my mouth while he talked. It wasn't what he was saying that was driving me wild; it was the way his mouth moved when he said the words. "Besides, I like the dress." He extracted the jeans from between us and pressed me up against the closet door. "Keep it on… for now." I felt my body shiver when his mouth touched mine, and I was pretty sure certain parts of me started to melt when he deepened the kiss. My hands slid down his chest, over his abs, and around his hips until they covered his tight ass. **

**Ranger smiled when he pulled back from our kiss. "Feeling brave tonight?"**

**The only thing I knew for sure at the moment was that I was feeling one fine ass. "Maybe." I pulled him in closer and began to move our hips in time with each other.**

**He reached behind his back and removed my hands, pausing to kiss each one before he let go. "Sooner we get this job done, the sooner we can find out how brave you really are." **

**I watched his fantastic ass walk out of the bedroom. "Heaven help me," I muttered and turned back to the closet and reached for the pink box on the shelf. "Okay, if the dress stays on, this goes on." I pulled the long blond wig out and shook out the curls. I ran my fingers through it, arranging the style. "Here goes nothing." I hurried off to the bathroom to finish my transformation.**

**The ride to Pino's was silent and quick. I kept my eyes straight ahead; trying to ignore the occasional glances Ranger was throwing my way. We pulled into the parking lot, and I reached for the door handle.**

"**Hold on there, Babe. Can't forget this…" he dangled the small transmitting wire in front of my face. **

"**Is that really necessary tonight? Pino's isn't that big, and it's always full of cops."**

"**Might not be necessary, but I'd feel better if you were wearing it." He turned in the seat and worked his large hand inside my dress.**

**I closed my eyes and moaned when his fingertips brushed the outer edge of my breast. I shifted in my seat, hoping he'd take the hint that I wanted him to increase his touch.**

"**Hold onto that thought, Tiger." I felt the softness of his words against my ear.**

"**I'd rather hold onto something else." Shit, I knew by his laughter that I'd said that out loud. I pulled on the door handle and swung the car door open; I couldn't get out of the car fast enough. I sucked in a deep breath of courage and made my way inside.**

**I took a quick look around and almost ran back outside. Holy shit! I'd forgotten that tonight was family night at Pino's! Half of the tables were crowed with moms and dads with their kids. The other tables were occupied by off duty cops. Everyone was looking my way. I looked over at the bar, which was the only place our skip could be and there he was, seated at the far end.**

**I wiggled my way around the patrons and climbed on top of the stool next to my target. "Hi." I smiled and gave him a wink. "Anyone sitting here?"**

"**Beat it, bitch, I'm waiting for someone." He took a sip of his beer and kept his eyes straight ahead.**

"**You always this rude?" I asked and ordered a beer, keeping my eyes down, hoping the guy behind the bar didn't recognize me.**

"**I'm not interesting in your kind of fun."**

"**What kind of fun do you think I'm interested in?"**

**He turned his head and spared me a look up and down. "The kind that costs money."**

**I wasn't sure how to answer that. Normally, I had no problem with comebacks during a distraction. Maybe it was the fact that I was in Pino's, surrounded by people I knew and a whole bunch of kids. And maybe it had something to do with the room starting to spin.**

"**Now that's the kind of woman I'm interested in," Mr. Rude said and pointed at my picture tacked up behind the bar.**

"**What?!" I managed to shout before chocking on the sip of beer I'd just put in my mouth. **

**Someone on the other side of me started pounding me on the back. "Okay! You keep that up, and you're going to knock me on the floor!" I snapped and turned to see who was using me for a punching bag. Oh crap… Gaspick. And... Gaspick? Shit... since when did he have a twin brother? Damn... they're both ugly! Crap, I hadn't had that much to drink had I? I swung my eyes at my drink sitting on the bar. When in the hell had I ordered the second one? And they were both full! **

**I tried to breathe, but my lungs wouldn't work and I felt the room start to spin. "Um… thanks for your help," I whispered and tried to climb down off the bar stool, but the heel of my shoe got caught and I landed in Mr. Rude's lap. "Listen, 'ho, I told you I wasn't interested," he growled and shoved me back into the Gaspicks. **

"**Is this woman bothering you?" I felt one of the Gaspicks tighten his hold on my arm.**

"**She's been bothering me ever since she sat down. Told her I wasn't interested in paying for her kind of fun."**

"**Ma'am, I think you'd better come with me." Gaspick #1 yanked my arms behind my back, and I heard the unmistakable click of cuffs being latched onto my wrists. He whirled me around and my wig went sideways, covering most of my face.**

"**Let me go!" I tried to pull away from him and fell into one of tables. I looked up at a startled Eddie who had a fork full of spaghetti halfway to his mouth. "Eddie, help me out here!" His eyes got round with fear.**

"**Shirley, I have no idea who this woman is! Honest!" I tried to turn my head and vouch for Eddie by telling my whining cousin that it was me, but all I got was a face full of salad that one of their little hellions had thrown off their plates and onto the table.**

"**Time to go, lady." Gaspick #1 pulled me off the table and shoved me out the door. It sounded like all hell was breaking loose behind me after Gaspick #2 pushed me out the front door of Pino's.**

**I woke the next day; well, at least I tried to wake up. Sometime during the night my eyelids had been nailed shut, and the nails were poking at my brain. "Oh my God, would someone please remove the elephant off the top of my head," I groaned and cradled my head. "Somebody, please, just shoot me!"**

**A soft deep chuckle sounded from behind me. Oh, please, not today! There was no fucking way I could run with this headache. Hell, I still hadn't managed to get my eyes open. I'd be running blind, and I wouldn't even be able to see that marvelous ass which was the only thing that made running worth it!**

"**I'll give up Pino's for life, just please leave me alone," I whimpered and pulled the covers over my head. Hell, I was probably already banned from the restaurant for life anyway.**

"**Wasn't sure which cure you'd prefer today."**

**The wonderful smell of coffee, donuts and fries clouded my senses and worked like a magic elixir to open my eyes. "Oh… thank you. You saved my life."**

"**You're welcome," Ranger's voice purred, and then he gave me a light kiss on the forehead.**

**I shoved half a donut and a fistful of fries into my mouth and debated if I really wanted to ask my next question. I'd have to hear about it eventually, might as well be now. I waited until my mouth was empty and broached the subject.**

"**How many times has my mother called?"**

"**Don't know, Babe. I turned your phone off when we got back here." I threw him a look of surprise, and he shrugged. **

**I sighed and pulled out another bunch of fries. "So how bad is it?" I asked, and then shoved the fries into my mouth.**

**I was doing okay with the facts until Ranger got to the part where Hal had found traces of Rohypnol in the food from Pino's that had been left in my apartment.**

"**Who?" I asked and shoved a whole donut in my mouth.**

"**The guy we were after last night."**

**I stopped chewing and stared at Ranger. "Yurr kedding," I mumbled around my mouthful.**

"**Nope. The way we figure it, the guy saw you and your picture, decided you were the woman for him and ordered the food to be delivered and then followed the delivery guy here and broke-in. Hal came back here last night and did a fingerprint search… no mistake."**

"**Whoa…" I was amazed. I'd never had a stalker who had gotten caught the same day he started stalking me. "Did you guys catch him at Pino's?"**

**Ranger released a full out laugh. "No problem, Babe, especially after Shirley threw a plate of spaghetti at Eddie and missed, hitting our guy square in the face!"**

"**Holy shit." I couldn't stop the smile forming on my face.**

"**Proud of you, Babe. Not your usual distraction, but you delivered the guy." Ranger reached over and removed the rest of my cure from my hands.**

"**Now about our deal…" He began pulling me into his arms.**

"**I'm not sure I ever be able to step foot in Pino's again, but if you give me 15 minutes, I'll go running with you." I'd be praying every step of the way that I lived to the end of each and every block.**

"**I've got a better idea for a workout this morning."**

**I felt my toes curl up and my hormones heat up while he kissed me. Sometime during the kiss my pajamas disappeared, and his hands began working their magic. **

**Now this was my kind of workout!**


End file.
